she writes — you read.

thinking of you drabbles | the way you make me feel #13

set in july ’07 | drabble: powerful | word count: 4,100+

“Are you ever going home?” Melissa cornered me as I shook my head no and watched Robyn slide back into the screen.

This not-so-subtle interrogation has been going on for at least ten minutes now.

It started earlier when I woke up with a text from Robyn, and she tells me to download some program onto my computer—Stripe? Skype!—and after some instructions, despite how hopelessly bad I am with anything remotely new, she convinces me to video chat with her.

Except, for the majority of this, I’ve been questioned by Melissa, who’s obviously out for Robyn’s best interest, but I can tell she wants us to end up together, really soon.

“This is my home for right now,” I admitted, folding myself up in the sheets I was wrapped up in even though I knew I was pushing it.

“I ain’t tryna go nowhere soon.” I locked eyes with the face in the distance as Melissa rolled her eyes and Robyn shook her head at me.

I looked at her, her green eyes like emeralds staring back at me in such a way that if I hadn’t been sitting I would have surely stumbled back. She was pissed, and it was attractive and I hated myself for admitting it.

I really like her eyes though; they reminded me of my mom’s. I could get lost in them. I often did, and that’s what the hell got me in trouble now, this I know. I glanced from her eyes to her mouth and back again, feeling my body heat up at the memory of those lips pressed against mine.

Fuck, I didn’t want that. I didn’t. She stopped staring and addressed me directly, turning the screen to face her. “So we’re just not meant to be, huh?”

“I mean… I’m not, fully ready, still…?” It sounded more like a question than an explanation and I yawned and tried again.

She wasn’t my girlfriend, or barely had a title attached to her name, but there was still something, and I knew eventually, the powers that be (read: Tina) would continue to press their ‘you need a close celebrity female friend’ angle on me, and we’d wind up somewhere anyway.

“It’s pressuring and the motives are tangling and giving me this impression that it’s not all by choice. And underneath the whole fame thing, you don’t even know who I am for real for real.” I watched her raise her eyebrow as if to taunt me to explain who I was, and I sucked my teeth as I saw her younger, but taller, brother Rorrey glance at me and buck up his body like he had something to say.

“Who dat? Oh, Christopher. Blah.” His opinion of me didn’t seem too great. Then again, maybe he was just a dickhead in general. Either way, things didn’t look too promising.


“What’s meant to be will be and honestly, if our relationship can’t survive someplace like this…it’s not going to be able to survive, period.” She tried to insist, and I shrugged.

She could have anyone. I definitely wasn’t worth fighting over. It was like, despite her constantly collected demeanor, and the polished way she carried herself, there were still things that could illicit raw reactions from her.

I didn’t want to continue though, or piss her off, so I just nodded in agreement after my nonchalant shrug garnered twin eye rolls of disbelief. I knew her other side though, and I don’t think too many of her adoring fans were aware of it.

“Don’t you have a photo shoot to do while you’re wasting your time online with me?” I asked as she nodded and I watched the set up in the background preparing her for a costume change.

“How are you still vibing to this? This came out last year,” I rubbed my eyes as the loud sounds of Diamonds from Sierra Leone shook the video chat screen and I clucked my tongue, staring at Robyn as she ran her fingers through her hair.

“It has symbolism, like… how can something so wrong make me feel so right?” She rapped on key as I shook my head and sat my laptop on the bed. I was over this. We could have this conversation in private.

“Whatever… you gon’ call me later, right?” I pulled my shirt over my head as I tried to avoid her green eyed gaze and she nodded. “We got some making up to do.”

“I guess, I mean… you ain’t gon come out here and hang with me?” I don’t know why I had it in me to convince her to at least try, but relationship intentions aside; I hadn’t had enough time with her after the BET Awards to really be satisfied with anything.

“I heard you were ocupado,” She purposely expressed in Spanish as I shrugged.

I knew the answer to the question though, but she didn’t need a confirmation from me. I couldn’t admit it, though. I’d feel like I was being shady, and maybe I was. Our commitments to each other were still very loose, despite sex being a major key to our connection outside of the whole embracing fame thing that we were starting to finally see the benefits of.

Still though, I was already lying to her with my body while I was here, and I was betraying my own heart when I tried to convince myself that what I was doing was working and would continue to work until it hit a serious flaw.

Similar to this whole ‘alter-ego’ concept that I’ve placed on my two sides, personal and public, on both sides, I can occasionally be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and right now, I’m practically a fucking fraud, a hypocrite. But they listen to me. They buy it. Just like the fans do every time someone brings up Robyn and I brush them off, but most of the time, depending on when they’ve caught me, it’s probably not even a fucking lie in the first place.

“Hit me up when you’re free and we’ll see… either that, or we can make something happen in Vegas, possibly?” She suggested and I nodded, as she smiled and blew a kiss at the screen.

“Vegas it is then.” I signed off and pursed my lips when I saw the head on the other side of the bed poke up, and then sigh as she flopped back on the bed.

I knew then that Vegas was going to be a motherfucker.

“You can come back to bed now,” I sat the Macbook on the table and watched her raise her eyebrows at me and slide back onto the bed. “We’re not on cam anymore.”

This could have turned out to be extremely bad. Robyn just happened to coax me onto my webcam when Kacie was showering, and she didn’t cross the bed until we were done. I instantly wanted to stop it, but she mouthed for me to keep going.

I just didn’t expect it to last almost twenty minutes, surprised that she could even get that much time to herself while she was on the set for whatever it was she was doing. I spent most of the time trying not to give her any open ended questions, but I failed and tried to act my way through it, feeling lucky that she wasn’t alone because I knew exactly how those conversations always turned out…

The bottom line was that in the end, I was in a bind. I was caught up. When it comes to being in a bind, I just pretend everything is going to work out. Maybe one day, I will become so good at pretending that even I will believe the lie.

“I should beat your ass for that, oh my god!” Kacie annoyingly hissed as I laid back and watched her eyes balloon as she slid her shirt back on.

“Chill, babe. C’mere,” I gripped her ass as she settled against my hip and pouted at me. “It was take it now or deal with Tina, and I’m damn sure not trying to deal with Tina.”

She relaxed then, and I made a mental note to make sure I would become the biggest advocate of Team Kacestopher (Barry was such an asshole for calling us that) that there was.

“Consider yourself special,” I ran my fingers through the hair that was close to draping on her shoulder blades as she stopped frowning.

“You’re naked; I’m naked. I can still taste you in my mouth, and I haven’t left you by yourself.” I roll onto my side and prop my head up with my hand. She kissed me on the lips as to confirm my statement, and my stomach fluttered.

“That should not be a turn on. You’re corrupting me, pervert.” She pursed her lips as I kissed her again, deeper and pulled her into me.

“But, she did have a point though, when are you going home?” She questioned, and I shrugged. I knew more than anything she didn’t really want me to answer the question, and I didn’t intend on doing so.

As long as she would let me sleep in this bed with her like nothing else mattered, why did I need to go home? I was too comfortable. We’d fallen into a routine: I’d come over, she’d feed me, we’d do something constructive, fuck around a bit, and I’d be sated and happy until someone managed to get me to do something business related, but it never lasted for long.

I’d hop in a cab or someone would drop me off here – I drove my Lambo here once and Tina’s still not over it – and I’d just hang out, not anticipating anything else to really deter me for once and for all, relaxing for a minute in between important events.

I liked holing up here. I got used to it. I looked forward to it, and wasn’t trying to do anything to snatch away my momentary sense of clarity and normality that I got when I was with her.

“Don’t think you’re gonna get rid of me that easily. I don’t have to hide us when we’re here. Not around people who know who you are…and not around people who just want to see me happy, and trust me, you definitely do that for me…”

I lowly cursed when it dawned on me that we were exclusive, even if it was born out of convenience. Contrary to her previous fears, this summer was way better than the last one, if we were being honest with each other about things. Even with Robyn practically hovering in the wings, waiting for her perfect moment to grab me away, when we weren’t trying to come to a balance, I had already found my balance here.

Kacie was what I came back to and looked forward to since I met her. Damn. I had no idea what this meant for our relationship, romantically speaking, but I wasn’t interested in dissecting it. Maybe I could work that out in one of my therapy sessions.

To my surprise, the thought of having to leave her at the end of the summer hurt a little because I wasn’t sure what I had to look forward to after this. She’d go on to college life, and I had responsibilities of my own to prepare for, as well as conquering the sophomore slump. I wanted to figure out the easiest way to see her, but everything was kind of becoming too much to focus on. I had to figure out something though, especially when I knew it was going to be virtually impossible for me to suddenly develop an affinity towards being in Chicago.

I didn’t want to distract her from her work, and I was sure Vegas would be our last hurrah for a while even though that would be right around the time her semester finally would seem normal to her. This shit was more complicated than it should have been, but Kacie definitely wouldn’t be too happy for me to toss her over my shoulder and try to convince her to make a niche in my team and say fuck school.

“So you’re like, my summer fling huh? My comeback kid,” She teased, skimming her fingers across my navel and I nodded.

“I get a little too excited about you and me doing…whatever this is.” She gestured between us with the hand that wasn’t connected to me as I licked my lips and felt her shudder.

“I feel… in too deep, ‘cause sometimes I can barely look at you, and then you touch me, and tell me you want me, and all this other shit that I know girls out there, hate me for, and it’s fucking mind blowing…” Kacie looked up at me, and I felt her body heat up and she turned away from me, blushing and cursing into her pillow.

“What, you embarrassed about how I make you feel?” I pressed my lips into her shoulder and she whined into her pillow.

“Yes,” She was pouting again when I pulled her head out of the pillow, tugging on her hair and feeling her body press against mines in response. “I was so better off just writing how I feel down instead of saying anything to you…”

“You’re getting shy on me, huh?” I asked, thoughts sort of blown to bits after mentally replaying what she’d just said.

It went all the way back to the basics, back to when Barry jokingly reminded me that she was off limits and touching her would be the end of me, even if I didn’t believe it. I wouldn’t hesitate to touch her now, but hormones notwithstanding, I knew this wasn’t all physical.

There were emotions and sensations and milestones involved in this relationship, and I knew now I could just call it was it was, even if it wasn’t the absolute ideal type…

Relationships, genuine and manufactured alike, are tricky concepts for the boy with anger issues and an inability to commit without wanting to dominate everything to grasp, according to my therapist.

Huh. This was interesting, and it cut me open, this feeling of inevitability. I threaded my fingertips through her hair and pressed my lips against her shoulder.

“Don’t be embarrassed. Ever. I’m not going anywhere.” I twitched against her hip and quietly groaned.

“I see my mortification turns you on,” She arched her back when I pushed her shirt up and skimmed my fingers down her hip and in between the V of her legs. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I think it’s cute, no one really has felt like this before about me. You…ion’ know, you just…” I felt my own cheeks warming up as I inhaled deeply and shuttered.

“Don’t you do it,” She held an amused facial expression as I laughed, the lyrics dancing on the tip of my tongue.

“You better not scream.” She warned, and then I belted them out, “You knock me off of my feet now baby-“ Her hands clamped over my mouth before I could shout out the scream.

“Have I ever told you that you’re ridiculous as fuck?” She laughed, tangled underneath me with her sheets winding around her leg and my ankle. I nodded and nudged her head to tilt and laid on top of her, too fucking comfortable to even get out of this bed.

“All the time, it’s like your catch phrase or some shit…” I murmured as she mocked me and I pressed my lips against hers, loving how easily it was to shut her up and make her moan without doing much of anything.

One kiss turned into something else, and each kiss following the first was a little longer, a little deeper. Barely pressing together, then deepening made it more intimate. I ran my hands down her arms and around, over her naked back. She gripped my hips and then my back, and slowly started wrapping her hands around me so that they covered as much of my skin as possible. We kissed that way forever, and when I gasped for breath, she dragged her lips down my throat, sucking at my pulse.

“I have to go to Louisiana like, tomorrow.” I reminded her as she opened her legs and gasped the second I barely brushed against her hip.

“Uh-huh,” She pouted, and I licked my lips before kissing her neck and tried to avoid the proximity we had underneath the sheets.

“I’m sticky, you keep bumping up against me…” She scrunched up her face after too much sliding and bumping, and between me thanking god that we hadn’t tipped the scale completely and rubbing her thighs, I was positive this wasn’t going to be able to be typical any longer.

“Do you want to take a shower with me?” I asked, nuzzling her neck with my nose, and her mouth warm and wet and sucking against my shoulder.

“Yeah,” She breathed as I gripped her around her back and continued holding her close, pressing our chests together. “But I probably shouldn’t.”

“Why?” I pouted, body lowering, flicking her nipple with my tongue.

“See,” She moaned, thumping me in the ear. “You’re fucking confusing… stop touching me, doing this to me, if we can’t…”

“If you keep going, we’re probably going to have sex and I don’t know if you’re ready for that yet.” She reminded me, and I licked a stripe from her nipple to her belly button.

“Compromise? Something to make you th–“

“Trust me, you don’t have to be gone for me to think about you like that.”

That was what scared me. I couldn’t keep my hands off of her. I couldn’t really limit myself until she brought it to my attention. It was second hand, human nature, I needed to touch her, but I respected her limits.

I sat up after a while, watching her fold her arms across her chest and reach around the bed for her phone. There’s yellow lace on her hip, and I capture it on my phone and toss it back onto her bed, getting her head shake of juvenile approval.

“I need to take a walk.” She announced, and I glanced at her, barely covered by anything as she grabbed a robe and sighed. I could still see the lace though, and it made me ridiculously harder as I watched her navigate around the room and through her closet doors.

“If you’re gonna go… you know, handle that, just come back before the fireworks, okay?” She motioned and I stood, not really caring that I was naked and it made too much sense for me not to pick her up and press her against the wall, because I didn’t really give a fuck anymore.

I cared, but not enough to stop what was happening. I was regressing back to my former self, slipping on process, riddled with confusion and I just wanted to fucking scream.

“Save yourself for someone else,” I doubt it’s the easiest thing to convince her to do when I’m bluntly stabbing at her center and her fingernails are digging into my shoulder. “Because this is definitely not what you want me to unleash on you.”

It’s like a switch flipped back to on, and she narrows her gaze, eyes darkening.

“You are such a fucking asshole, I mean… really? This,” She grabbed my dick briefly and pulled her hand back like it had burned, “Is not where all of the fucking power is, and when you realize that, maybe, just maybe, you’d stop fucking around and confusing me.”

“I’m not confusing you. I don’t want to fuck this up!” I yanked my shorts from the floor back around my hips as she turned on the balls of her feet and stared at me in disbelief.

“How? How are you fucking this up more than you are already by being here with me instead of doing whatever you’re supposed to be doing? How does this work for you, when everyone else wants you to be with the girl who has the world at her fucking feet?” She was basically lashing out on me as I glanced at her and tried to get her to calm down the second I saw her hand ball up, and wondered when she’d stare meditating.

“What do you want?” I asked, pensive and nervous. Afraid. Wondering what the fuck snapped in her, and if it was half as bad as what had snapped in me.

“I want you! But it’s not just this, I want every-fucking-thing, and I can’t have it, huh? I don’t want you to just think it’s cool for you to pick and choose what you want to do while we have to wait until you want us.” It was the second time in a short period of time that they’d loosely referred to each other as a unit, and it made my stomach clench.

“When you tell me, from your own mouth, that you and her are happy and dating, I swear to god I will leave you alone. I swear I will. But right now you’re not, and then we get ­right here, every fucking time, and nothing happens! We don’t go further, we do everything but!” She turned on me and huffed, digging her fingertips into her hair.

“I told you,” I started, and she groaned loudly.

“That’s bullshit! You’ll go out there and fuck hoes in Queens, Harlem, Brooklyn,” She flicked off places with her fingers and I clenched my eyes shut, holding onto the image, trying to will the tears that I have been holding back from coming.

“But me… what the fuck is wrong with me, like… should this really fucking frustrate me as much as it does? I mean, should it? I shouldn’t let it be the thing that solidifies us but shit, what haven’t we done? Whether you acknowledge it or not, I’m pretty fucking faithful to your ass, although I can’t say the same for you…” I watched her clutch her chest and glare at me as she walked over to her desk and pulled out an inhaler, and I really felt like shit then.

“I’m not playing with your emotions, and no it shouldn’t frustrate you. You know what they’re trying to set me up for. I wouldn’t lie to you about it. I told you that I had sex with her in Australia, and for your information, that was the whole fucking kick-off of my panic attacks.”

“Yeah, doing that, fucking her, knowing your ass is somewhere, not giving a fuck as long as we’d hook up whenever, brought on panic attack number one. It scares me though, we’re like… I don’t know. I know you don’t like to talk about it but I’m pretty sure something’s going to come out of this, and as much as I fuck around with you, I definitely don’t think we should… go there.” I said.

“I can’t go there with you right now. It’s bad enough you’re trying to justify my inability to push you over that edge, and be glad I haven’t. I don’t need to mean anything else other to you than I do right now. I’m fucking terrified of setting you up for something I can’t put my all into, and even fucking around like we are now scares the shit out of me when there’s a bigger picture to combat.” I feel hurt beyond anything I have ever known — it pours into my stomach, my throat, my arms, and my legs, making me feel weak and pushing me into raw, excruciating sorrow.

My throat is dry now, and all I can hear is the hissing pump of her inhaler as she glares at me, face flush, hand clutching her chest.

“I can’t be that guy, we’re not going to last if I do…” Just like that, the truth is out there.

I’m fucking afraid of ruining this.

And then, instead of folding up or being pissed, she cried. Great, gasping, shuddering sobs hurl themselves from her throat; she nearly chokes on them as they force their way through her body, from a place deep down she never even knew she had.

“Fuck this shit,” She stumbled onto her feet and pushed me back, yanking the tie from her hair and slamming her closet door without even looking at me.

“Just leave before I get out, I don’t want to deal with this shit right now. Take your fucking power trip somewhere else. I can’t do this.”

2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

He has no one to blame but himself. He should’ve know this was going to happen. She’s right. What’s so wrong with her? Why is it ok for him to fuck other girls? Just be honest with her and man up!

Comment by CMH

Jesus Christ this add was good!!! I respect Chris for not having sex with Kacie since he’s dicking down all of New York apparently and oh Rihanna too. But at the same time I understand why she’s pissed. They do EVERYTHING but have sex. As always the timing isn’t right and he doesn’t want to mess this up. It’s bad enough she has to share you with some else but then she really can’t have you and she’s been there before all the other girls. One day it’s going to bother so much she’ll just stop fucking with him for awhile and we know his light bright self can’t function without Kacie, but still she isn’t enough smh!!

Comment by forevergoldenone

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