she writes — you read.

thinking of you x 27

I know that heart that’s in your chest
It carries pain and so much stress
But you got to let it go
(Go, go, girl)


“I hope you don’t think you’re going to have a simple two week disappearance… people are gonna be talking about that shit for months to come and you know it.” Kacie thumped me as I grabbed her hips and softly ran my fingers up her numb left side.

Normally, I was the type to disappear and do it effectively. I considered deleting all of my tweets and starting over, but something was telling me not to. I felt like I needed to do something to let people know that we were alive and well – I had deleted the tweets from earlier on accident, and didn’t bother to reiterate my point.

I was feeling some type of way because of the reaction of this whole thing. no matter how I attempted not to really look into it, I ended up spending the last ten minutes of the flight hovered over my phone, clicking every link I possibly could, curious as to what this situation would evolve into as time went on.

People initially thought it was some type of gimmick for promotion for Love and Hip Hop until they realized that people were seriously injured. The cameraman who was seated in the passenger’s seat next to Karrueche had been tossed into a coma, and Pat had told me that Dee would be on crutches until the end of July.

The list of things to anticipate had damn near tripled as everyone wanted me and her in their seats, on their stages, and in their studios, but I told Morgan not to confirm anything in my absence, like I normally trusted her to do when I disappeared like this.

Instead, my email started to pile up with inquiries and people wanting to know if I was okay, attempts to get me to confirm rumors, and various attempts at slyly admitting my true intentions of being with Kacie, which some people still didn’t believe, but fuck them.

“Oh fuck, remind me to call Robyn when we get to my house, okay?” Kacie shakes my arm as I nod and annoyingly rub my still burning eyes as I feel her hands lower my hand, and she shoves my glasses into my hand.

I blink a couple of times as my vision adjusts again and I lean into her, swooping my hand around her waist and resting my chin on her shoulder. I’m a little bit afraid to even call Robyn…

I haven’t talked to her in a while. More time than it should be. I need to call her, but I still need to gather myself when it comes to putting my thoughts together before even thinking about talking to her about being a father soon. I don’t really know how to put this into words that won’t offend her, but it’s something I need to do on my own, and soon, before she finds out some other way.

At least she’s happy. She’s accepted our engagement and she’s in my corner when it comes to making things work. Six years in the making and she’s finally coming around, and I doubt that twenty one year old Kacie could ever see this happening for us. Hell, I barely can at twenty three. I still feel reluctant to accept my future, but I know I have no choice but to…

It’s everything I ever wanted and it’s something that not too many people can have say they have it. I don’t think too many people can accept the fact that I’m willing to sacrifice whatever I need to in order to make us work, and that goes with exes, certain affiliations, old habits, what the fuck ever.

It’s been a long time coming. Now it’s time, and we’ve got to get things set. I’m back in the mindset that got me caught up once upon a time, but we know how to do this the right way this time around. I’m back to craving normality, and now I’m not alone.

“We can’t get too ratchet while we’re on this break. We ain’t gon’ have no repeats of the past. We’re older and smarter now, well… I am, at least. You get home and all your country boy ways seem to seep out.” Kacie laughed at me as I pursed my lips and ran my fingertips down her bare legs.

“I ain’t gon’ let nothing happen to my baby. You know this. I’ve proven this… we’re going to have fun.” I murmured as she inhaled against my shoulder and brought her lips to my neck, pulling back after my breath hitched.

“Fool, this my baby.” She saucily enunciated as she pointed to her stomach and propped her hand on her hip. I shook my head at her and narrowed my gaze at her when I saw an older woman look at us in disgust, even though we were playing around.

I instantly cringed and scolded her.

 “A little bit louder? I don’t think the people heard you down there.” I pointed to an older couple a few feet away from us as Kacie clucked her tongue and scoffed at me.

She’s virtually accepted the idea, pushing the ‘possibility’ out of the window the second we called the doctor that Doctor Namachie suggested and she mentioned the ‘false positive’ which she ruled to be virtually impossible from a medical grade test.

“Ew, get out of your feelings.”

“I’m sleepy as fuck though.”

“Danzell will be here in like what, the next five minutes? You can sleep in the car… shoulda never laid up with me in the air… then you wouldn’t be so sleepy…” She tried to scold me in between yawns, and I pursed my lips at her and tilted my head.

“I know you ain’t talking. I just want some official confirmation, and then I’ll be good.”

“How are you this impatient? But, I wish I would have known she was in Virginia Beach instead of Richmond this week. We coulda flew in to Norfolk Airport.” Kacie scolds me as I wrap my arms around her as we wait on my cousin to pull around, and she laughs lowly as I kiss the back of her neck.

“I wanna know! We still have at least three hours before your appointment, and that’s why Gonzo gon’ take us to CVS.” I run my fingertips down her stomach as she unwraps another piece of chocolate and rolls her eyes at me.

“So you gon’ make him go in there and rack up on pregnancy tests?” She snorted at my impatience and I rolled my eyes, letting her go.

“Well, yeah.” I furrow my brow as she tosses the chocolate that’s stamped with Virginia is for lovers at me, and it hits my chest and falls to the ground.

“I’m staying in the car then.” She proclaimed as Gonzo climbed out and hugged her, squeezing her before he even touched me.

“C’mon nigga, get off of my fianceé.” I murmured harshly as he scoffed and pulled back, staring at her hand, and then at mines.

He tilted his head up quizzically and then started laughing after Kacie folded her arms across her chest and climbed into the back seat, instantly hovering over his sleeping son.

“Damn, why you let him fall asleep?” She pouted as he rolled his eyes at her.

“Shut up, Butterscotch, let my son sleep. Where we goin’ first?” He murmured as I looked over the seat when I closed the door and Kacie shrugged softly.

“The closest CVS, I guess.”

“Aye ain’t it a McDonalds by the CVS on Laburnum?” Kacie asked as we turned into traffic and Gonzo nodded as she smiled widely.

“We gotta go there when we’re done then, and no before you get excited, I am not about to do that in a McDonald’s bathroom, Christopher.”

“Man, we gon’ be in the car for two hours though.” I groaned as she sucked her teeth at me.

“I can hold my pee until I get home.” She insists, and I laugh. What the fuck ever.

“Stop being stubborn, Kacie. If you gotta pee, let me know and I’ll pull over.” Gonzo suggests as Kacie mumbles something and before I know it, she’s sleep, hand stretched over Dakotah’s baby seat.

“She pregnant bruh?” He asks, eyes focused on the road as I sink into the seat and slowly nod my head. I doubt I’m going to make it into CVS or even out of this car when we finally get to Sandbridge, not as tired as I am.

“Here,” I give him my wallet in its entirety as I unbutton the baseball jersey I’m wearing and shift it over my head, sinking back with a yawn. “Wake me up when we get to Kacie’s house.”

When I feel someone shaking my shoulder, we’re somewhere in-between Norfolk and Virginia Beach when Kacie hand wraps around my shoulder and wakes me up.

“C’mon, if I don’t go now, I’m gonna blow up. I might as well kill your curiosity while I’m at it.” Her voice is controlled and a bit shaky.

We’re in a McDonald’s parking lot and I quirk my lips up in a smile. She said she wasn’t going to do this here, but look where we are, about to find out another important confirmation for the two of us.

I rub my eyes and groan. That definitely didn’t feel like an hour and forty five minutes worth of sleep, but whatever. I climb out anyway, and I’m only seconds away from losing my composure; then I feel her arms around my waist and her breath against my face. Her lips touch mine, and there’s no longer any space between us.

A moment later, she’s gone.

I enter after her and the restaurant is empty and I watch Gonzo pull from the parking lot and onto the adjacent service station lot to refill his gas tank. I sigh and get admittedly too excited when my phone buzzes in my pocket.

Kacie J Brown

Why in the fuck do you have two boxes of three packs in this bag?! How uncertain can you be WTF? I’m taking two… this is ridiculous… 99% accurate my non-existent balls, I’m freaking out already agoaehijeahkoahaednfjfrdjdksnzff


Can you just piss on the stick and put me out of my misery please? I’m getting a McGriddle, you want one?

She doesn’t text back and I roll my eyes as I move away from the bathroom doors. I walk towards the empty registers, needing something on my stomach. I’m not even sure if she’s hungry anymore – I’m sure she is – and I feel spared when my cashier is a fifty something year old woman who doesn’t blink twice at me, and neither done any of the rest of the older morning employees either.

I have to figure out how to talk to Robyn about this. It’s not really either of our faults about what happened in Sydney, but back then I wanted that so bad that all of my frustrations were taken out on her, and drew us apart.

Now that the situation is different and I’m getting what I want, I can’t help but think to some extent, it’s going to affect her for a while in a way that I’m not sure is totally positive. I’ve seen her destruction stage before and it’s not pretty. I don’t want to reopen any wounds.

Even though she’s called – I missed it – wanting to know everything that happened between leaving the congratulatory dinner and flying back out to California, I’m debating remedying all of this with a skype call, but figures it’s my best bet because I need to see her face when I confirm things for her.

I’ll just take it one step at a time. There are still too many other things to worry about right now. I have my mouth partially filled with half of my McGriddle when my phone buzzes across the table and I suck my teeth in impatience.

Kacie J Brown

U ready? Almooooost….


Stop playing woman….

My heart started beating faster and I had to get a handle on my emotions before I had another panic attack. My feet tap against the floor annoyingly as I wait for another response, and in the meantime, I swallow down the rest of the breakfast food. A part of me wants to discreetly barge into the women’s restroom and see what’s taking her so long, but I don’t.

Out the window, I see Gonzo pulling back around again and it’s only then that I get up. Seconds later when I’m finishing off my OJ, I damn near choke on it when I feel a familiar vibration in my pocket.

Fuck, please be good news.

Kacie J Brown

 Congratulations, you’re stuck with me. Two positives… real positives too.


Come here please!!!!

Fuck it, I can’t wait.

I grab my bag and in an instant, I’m grabbing her back out into the sun, gripping my hands around her and holding her against my chest. I feel her heartbeat like it is a tiny pulsing candle-flame, exuding much more hot passion than I ever expected. She’s alive. She made it out – I’m still in disbelief, but there’s new life to look forward too now.

“I don’t know how you got so lucky as to convince me to be your wife and have your kid when less than two months ago, I was losing my mind over accepting you as finally being mines… you waste no time, huh?” She inquires, her elbows closing in on her ribcage, an involuntary defense mechanism though there is no danger.

“Real positives?” I question in disbelief and she nods, and then clucks her tongue. She shows me the evidence on her iPhone and I tilt my head back before screaming out in excitement. I can’t hold it in.

“Yup. Real positives.”

“Oh fuck.” It all hits me at once. Realization shatters my stance and her hands are around me again, holding me against her. It’s not supposed to be this easy. I’m not supposed to get everything I want.

Or am I?

I guess I am… either way; I start to shiver as she narrows her eyes at me. “You’re crying?”

She glances at me when I feel the tear on my cheek and I wipe it away, eyes rolling. “I’m not saying it to make fun of you baby, I’m… surprised, that’s all.”

“You don’t know how happy you just made me.” I pick her up, feeling her chest rattle against mines as she pulls back, crying just as hard as I wanted to.

“Fuck, I…I’m really doing this, huh? Shit, oh my god, what? Like…” She takes a deep breath and tries to find her center of calm, hissing when something makes her stand up straight.

“Ugh…alright… Time to get us home.” She murmurs, fist working down her breastbone.

“You okay?”

“I’m good, this thing is just starting to work it’s way in and it stings. I just have to chill.” She winces and takes another deep breath.

“C’mon.” She grabs my hand as we go back into the parking lot, climbing into the car again and smiling when she sees Dakotah up, and instantly starts to babble to him.

I don’t admit it makes my stomach flutter, but it does. In a few months, that’ll be my reality, and it makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time when I realize it.

. . . .

It’s oddly nostalgic when we pull up to the blue house and she climbs out, digging into her bag for her keys. I feel eighteen again when we stand in the living room and she presses her back against the door as we watch Gonzo pull off, and we’re alone.

There’s stuff everywhere, but it’s not in a messy fashion at all. There’s flowers and edible arrangement pieces and Kacie turns her face into a look of confusion as she drops her bag on the floor and walks over to the kitchen table after she unarms the security system, and I’m somewhat frozen where she’s left me.

I’ve only been here enough times to count on both hands, and I’m still afraid to really move around. She’s always come to me, including that month when I convinced her to stay with me in my place in the woods, which made me never have to go as far as her driveway in order to get to her.

It’s a bit difficult to instantly accept, even after the therapeutic session with her dad before proposing. But somehow, as things slowly sink in, being here, after all of the shit in our past, seems accepting for a getaway.

“Look at this shit,” Her hand is warm as she grabs me and lures me down the stairs with the swish of her hips in front me.

“He waited until I got to be engaged and pregnant to spoil me. Or maybe it was the whole brush with death epiphany that everyone’s having.”

I ignore her comment because I don’t want to get started on that again and I just want to remain in this holy shit I’m gonna be someone’s dad revelation that’s settling over me and starting to make me look at things differently.

I stand in the kitchen, clean and immaculate and loaded with roses and a note stuck to the refrigerator, and she clucks her tongue as she climbs onto the counter and takes a pineapple flower from the fruit bouquet that sits there, waiting to be touched.

“What’s the note say?” She questions, and I hear her Jordans hit the floor as I yank the folded paper off of the refrigerator door and glance over at her as I read it.

“Kacie and Christopher …. Kacestopher,” I roll my eyes as she scoffs and bites into a chocolate dipped apple, “Gone to MIA for the weekend. Sorry I missed your arrival. Enjoy the fruit and food, and cut the Roses so they don’t die. I think they were sent by Leslie as some sort of peace offering, but whatever. I should be back in time for Father’s day. Call me and let me know if Chris deserves an early gift or not.”

“He’s not joking.” She pales, and hops down.

“Maybe I told him my intentions and he gave me a little nudge for luck… He wants to experience that new grandparent feel, you know?” I admit as she clucks her tongue at me and shakes her head.

“Don’t let him give you good luck anything, with that type of mojo, we’ll wind up with a football team.”  She pulls up her shirt and sighs, patting the still flat skin.

“I wanted to do a lot of things before I realized I would be pregnant… you throw off all of my set timelines, I swear.” She sighs, and grabs the bouquet from the counter and leads me back into the sunken living room that outlooks the sandy backyard.

“What’d you wanna do that I stopped you from doing then?” I’m curious now, and I pull out a pineapple flower and watch her eyes glaze over after I eat the cantaloupe center and resist the urge to call her perverted.

“Get a fast ass car, like a Lamborghini…” She starts, and inhales sharply.

“You can get a fast car. But when you start showing, it’s going in the garage.” I insist, and she rolls her eyes at me.

“I’m not going to mention drinking, since I’m gonna hold off on that until I stop nursing. But… hmm, I wanted to do some special stuff for you, like take classes with those females who do the strip teasing and shit? I never feel sexy enough around you and Robyn was definitely trying to convince me to do it, but it just… it’s weird, sometimes, you know?” She murmurs and I nod slowly. It’s still hard to get used to.

“I know you ain’t tryna see me pregnant on a pole or no shit like that,” She nibbles on a strawberry and shakes her head, “That’s some ole ratchet shit, but I hope when I’m huge you still find me attractive…”

“You’re always going to be attractive to me.” I admit, and she blushes and slides down on the couch cushion, being overly dramatic as usual.

I smile as I finish the pineapple and we continue slowly deconstructing and eating the fruit while she stares up at the ceiling and tries to come up with more things she wants to do.

I start writing them down on the back of the note her dad left, determined to fit all of this stuff in before we get married, which still makes my mouth turn up in a smile when I think about it. I glance over at her after she doesn’t come up with anything else, and she turns her head to look at me.

“What else? Keep going. There’s only a handful of things I think couldn’t be accomplished when you’re huge as you like to say.” She’s amusing me. I watch her roll onto her right side and sigh, and start to thread her fingertips through her hair.

“Go to Miami for a weekend and live it up because I haven’t been in a long ass time.” She nods slowly as the ideas come to her, and moves a little bit closer to me.

“I need to go visit my Mom in Chicago and let her baby me and give you your space for a while…” She says, and I shrug when she glances at me. I could go too. We have a lot to talk about with the other half of her family.

“I want to ride every motherfucking roller coaster in Universal Studios, and eat all of the food there until I go throw up like I’m seventeen again.” She states, and sits up.

For some reason, reminding herself of seventeen makes a brief flash of disgust blanket her features, and in an instant, I know what the trigger is. I resist sucking my teeth or making any notion towards outing my instant annoyance at it, but it is what it is. That whole stage of our lives both together and apart was a fucking mess.

“I should go find my Hulk Hands, I bet those things are still in my room…” She pulls her hair up on top of her head as I grab her hand and settle her in my lap.

I have to change her attitude before she starts to spazz out and possibly give me brain damage with the hands that I know are a bit thinner after she used them over the years to virtually beat and hit on everything she could.

“You know you can do whatever you want to do and I’ll be right there with you. But when you and I exchange vows and a few months later you’re big as hell and about to drop my son, you gotta sit down.”  I circle her hipbone as she rolls her eyes at me and thumps me in the shoulder.

“You know I’m not gonna sit down for shit, right?” She questions as I shake my head, because I know she won’t and trying to get her to accept my expectations are useless, but worth putting out there.

“I know. I figured it was worth a try.” I laugh, and she punches me in the arm.

“You’re just so damned stubborn man, but I want you to know when it’s time to chill though, okay? We gotta… we have so much shit to do, but I swear, when you see that little freckle faced, mini-me with a loud voice and a beautiful smile in eight months, it’s gonna be worth it.” I kiss her cheek and turn her face to kiss her on the lips as she sinks into me and stretches out like a cat on my lap.

“I know… but until then, until I start showing, I don’t want it to be a big deal that I’m pregnant. Not while there’s an engagement to worry about, so whatever we accomplish in terms of this situation will have to be done on some black ops type of shit.” She pouts as she flattens herself against me and flips over, holding her side in annoyance as she darts away from me.

“Where’re you running off to?” I tilt my head back over the couch as she hops over the small steps and towards the kitchen.

“Bathroom, get used to this!” Kacie yells, and I shake my head in amusement and lie back against the couch, with a smile plastered on my face.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

They’re really having a baby! I can’t believe it! There so excited and its so cute. And Chris is so cute and already so in love with there baby. 🙂 I’m so happy for them. I hope nothing else goes wrong for them.

Comment by CMH

Yes yes yes. There having a baby. Soooo happy for them there to cute together. The journey they’ve been on and are still going through is so amazing. A little Kacestopher’s coming. I hope all goes well with the pregnancy. And it’ll be sweet if Chris can accomplish the goals Kacie wants before baby get here. Wow CB bout to be married and a father ahhh. Even her dads on board, everyones gonna flip when they hear the news. Love there love.

Comment by Monique J

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