she writes — you read.

thinking of you x 26

And on and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I’ll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I’ll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.


“One of Vibe Magazine’s up and coming writers, Kacie DeVaughn was involved in a near fatal car crash last night at Mount Sinai Hospital, and shortly after, boyfriend and rumored fiancée Chris Brown was reportedly seen running towards the scene, only to disappear in the hospital for hours, possibly suffering from trauma related panic attacks…”

“Sources say Chris Brown led a small mob down Madison Avenue before reaching the scene and rushing instantly to the aid of rumored fiancée Kacie DeVaughn…”

“Brown’s ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran was reportedly seen driving onto the sidewalk to purposely trap Ms. DeVaughn into the side of Mount Sinai Hospital while recording season two of VH1 reality show titled Love and Hip Hop…”

“Us here at CNN might have had our ups and downs with Mr. Brown and his on-goings, but it’s apparent that in this time we can set that aside and wish for a speedy recovery for both him and his girlfriend…”

“A recent Billboard Chart update has shown Brown’s latest release, FORTUNE, has shot from number two in the Pop, Hip-Hop, and R&B charts from number four, two, and three respectively, to number one since its release twelve weeks ago…”

“Chris Brown and his rumored fiancée Kacie DeVaughn was reportedly held up in DeVaughn’s undisclosed private room for hours while fans filled the streets outside, rallying for the health of the couple…”

“Ooh, this is a real juicy hot topic, have you seen the pictures of Chris Brown and his girlfriend Kacie, the Vibe writer, uh-huh… leaving lunch earlier in the week and he held her stomach like there’s something they’re not telling us? Ooooh…What’s Rihanna going to think?”

“The only positive thing about this has to be the fact that you’re just not ‘chris brown’s girlfriend’…They know your name, girl.” Morgan pacified Kacie as she reappeared from the bathroom and glared at the screen.

I felt her lips briefly press against my head and I closed my eyes after opening one to peek at her, and heard her bed squeak as she got back on it.

Every few seconds, Morgan would flip through the channels and get a glimpse of what was being said about us in order for her to fine-tune our statement, but I was getting more and more annoyed by the moment. I figured TV commentary would be easier than getting a handle on Internet rumors though, so I allowed it.

“They damn well should, they keep talking about us. I have a name and if they weren’t using it, I’d be pissed, to be honest.  But c’mon Mo, don’t you have enough quotes by now? The TV is pissing me off… Twitter is pissing me off… my growling stomach is pissing me off… I can’t wait to get to Richmond, I’ma go ham in the food kiosks man.” Kacie groaned loudly as Morgan flipped through the channels and eventually settled back to where I had left it last night, on an outdated episode of Futurama.

“That was a dumb decision, huh?” Morgan murmured softly as I heard Kacie cluck her tongue and I sunk deeper into the sofa-like chair, trying to get comfortable.

My fucking eyes had started to burn after trying to focus on her for the majority of the night, and between watching her sleep, helping her to the bathroom a few times in the hazy darkness of the room, and creeping over to the window on occasion to groan at the growing crowd outside.

I was definitely on low reserve by the time Morgan got here, telling us we’d be able to leave soon, and hung around to pen as best as an official statement as three hours of sleep could create.

“You’re being real moody and dramatic for someone who has to go pee every five minutes, woman. Everything can’t be making you this annoyed. And get away from the window if it’s irritating you.” I snapped at her without opening my eyes.

“If you really come over here and look, you’d stop calling me dramatic. It’s like a fucking sea of people outside. We are not gonna be able to drive through that.” Kacie annoyingly murmured as I rubbed my eyes and sighed.

After spending the night on a cot next to her bed, I was a bit grumpy, but once I heard the loud commotion start back up outside, I couldn’t go back to sleep. I took a couple of trips to the window and I don’t know how, but on the fourth trip over, I got spotted and it hasn’t quieted down since.

“You know what I’d rather be doing than being stuck in this room right now? Swimming.” Kacie murmured as she pushed a blind away and clucked her tongue.

“If I could, I’d go crowd surf. Anything to get out of this room.” She continued to complain as Morgan tsked and pulled away from the window after her third attempt of mapping out any visible route to freedom.

“The unfortunate part about this is that there are still loads and loads of people outside beyond the barricade,” Morgan pulled me back from the window I managed to get open as the screams and shrieks got louder. “It’s only five thirty and it’s still chaotic as hell out there.”

Chaotic was an understatement.

I could hear people chanting my name and Kacie’s as well, and it wasn’t as comforting as I thought it would be. Maybe because I was already cranky as hell and a bit annoyed that our departure was delayed as it was. It was hard to get comfortable, because they were really turnt up out there, and as much as it was supposed to be comforting, it wasn’t.

Outside of the window, lining 5th Avenue and spilling into Central Park, there were various media vans, iPhone toting bloggers, fans with signs singing and screaming, and reporters still getting coverage. They had shut down the block. With all the non-stop updates from twitter and other social media sites, whatever they found out was made public in an instant and I honestly was over it.

Our ‘near death experience’ had been all over, and I just wanted to get out of here. The story had gotten around fast and after calling our parents and sending texts to friends and family, the people in my immediate corner had chilled and went towards defending me, but the media was oddly cooperating and hadn’t started to slander my name, and I wondered how long it was going to last for.

The screams outside got kicked up after Kacie and I tweeted around the time Morgan gave us the okay. They could finally put an end to the rumors that swirled around about a coma and a car accident that killed the two of us and Karrueche after some crazy jilted lovers quarrel. I couldn’t even think about that shit. I wasn’t as fed up with it as Kacie was, but I over this room. I definitely couldn’t wait to get to Virginia.

I wondered how in the hell it was going to be possible for us to get through all of it. The second anyone saw us, everyone on the outside was going to know. In comparison to a concert crowd – which would eventually return home at the end of the night – I don’t think over half of the people outside left the block at all between now and yesterday.

I could already see people rushing the car when I closed my eyes again and hoped they could get this shit under control and fast, because I definitely didn’t want anyone hurt because of us.

 “Babe, really…” Kacie carefully stretched out on the bed and propped her head up on the stack of pillows and glared at me, annoyed at the fact that we were still here.

“I’m ready to goooo.” She murmured as I got up, adjusted my eyes to the brightness of the room and approached her.

I bent down and hovered over her stomach, running my fingertips across her t-shirt as she flicked my hands away from her and I possessively pushed them back around her, nudging my nose against her belly button. I had to take my mind off of the shit outside just as much as I had to remind her that I hadn’t forgotten about all of the expectations I had when we got to Richmond and went to this Doctor’s appointment.

“Stop, you act like you’re going to hear something going on in there other than my extremely loud growling. I’m hungry as fuck.” She pouted as I kissed her stomach and pulled her up gently, wrapping my arm around her.

“We’ll be out of here before you know it, I promise. As soon as Pat calls Morgan back.” I slipped one hand around to the back of her head, drawing our foreheads together and just savoring the closeness of it all for a few moments.

“You know what sucks,” Kacie frowned as I rolled my eyes at her, not sure that I could take eight more months of complaining.

“I just realized I never got my falafel! When we get to my house, we gotta find some greek food.” She pouted again and I scrunched my face up and shook my head no.

“You like Greek food though!” She countered as I clucked my tongue and put my hand in her face to silence her.

“I want a big ass seafood boil. And after we go see this doctor in Richmond, we gon’ only be in Sandbridge for a few days so don’t get too comfortable when we get there.” I reminded her as she waved me off and pulled her shirt up to touch her stitches.

“Whatever. Fuck, this hurts…” She winced slightly as she pressed her fingers into the stiches.

“I can’t believe you’re all stitched up like that.” Morgan shuttered as Kacie sighed softly.

“Shit, you? I’m surprised that’s all I got. Babe, we gotta name our first kid Darryl something,” she murmured as Morgan took her hand and pressed it against Kacie’s stomach.

“What about like, Darryl Maurice? Oh hell never mind, he’ll sound like an old man…” She started to ramble as I looked at her and winked, which made her stop frowning and smile for a second.

“There’s something cooking in there for real?” Morgan jumped back when Kacie’s stomach started growling and I instantly ducked when a water bottle cap jettisoned across the room at me.

“Most likely…remind me to never go to Vegas with him again.” I blushed when she gazed at me and Morgan instantly started to squeeze her and pulled me in for it too.

“Chill, Mo. You gon’ crush my pelvis with all of your excitement.” She pouted after we broke from Morgan’s super excited hug. Morgan sheepishly smiled and patted Kacie’s stomach, which made her scrunch up her face at her.

“I know you have to focus on the engagement stuff, which we’ll definitely talk about when we get back to California, but…if,” Kacie started and riled off with I stared at her.

“Stop saying if, we already cemented the fact that you’re about to have my baby in the future.” I scolded her as she gave me the finger and I laughed loudly.

“That’s how we’re in this situation right now.”

“I don’t like you, I swear. You’re so…basic. But Mo, like I was saying… since I am…most likely… pregnant…fuck….” She slowly started pacing her words out as she sat down and inhaled deeply before continuing, “We can keep it under the radar until the first trimester is over…and I’m definitely trying to be Mrs. Kacie Brown by August anyway, so keep that in mind.”

“When do you think you’ll be due?” Morgan asked as Kacie shrugged and wiped the corner of her eye.

“I’ll have an estimate when I get to this doctor in Richmond and get an actual confirmation, but if I go off of my app, most likely in February. But, now I’ve only talked about it with you, Chris, Robyn because I was about to seriously spazz, and Christine and Jayhawk.” Kacie counted off people on her fingertips as Morgan nodded and ran her fingertips down her iPad screen.

“Outside of my parents and my Nani, I don’t think it has to start spreading around even though since our lunch date yesterday there’s already speculation.” Kacie murmured as she started pacing the floor, fed up with being in the space and I don’t blame her at all. I was starting to get cabin fever myself and it hadn’t even been over forty eight hours.

“I have to tell the crew though.” I held her hand as she sighed softly and nodded.

“We should have a small, keyword SMALL get together when we get back from Virginia then.” Kacie suggested as Morgan’s walkie-talkie went off on her hip.

“We get to leave?!” Kacie busted out in some impromptu dance moves as I grabbed her and held her to my chest.

“You better calm your lil’ ass down before you need additional stitches girl…” I lowly warned as she groaned and pinched my leg as we glanced over at the window, and she turned her head up to glance at me.

“I’m excited now.” She murmured softly as I shook my head as she pulled me to the window anyway, and smiled at me. “C’mon so you can say goodbye.”

“You might as well show your face. It’ll give them hope. Do it just to give ’em a bit of a reason to breathe easier.” She instructed as I shook my head no and watched her pout.

“Why not? They want to know if you’re okay… if I was out there, I’d want to know that my fave was fine.” She rolled her eyes slightly as I shook my head again and grabbed her up from the windowsill.

“It’s not just about me, I wasn’t even the one who got hurt. You did. That fucking nut could have killed you.” I attempted to reason with her as she rolled her eyes at me like what I said meant nothing.

That pissed me off a little because I knew that she was trying to repress this shit and I knew sooner or later, it was going to all come out, and I didn’t want her to do it like that. The thought of something happening to her or going wrong had brought back some previously banished worrying and stressing. Not as bad as it had been during the initial ‘assert your intentions with Robyn’ campaign, but it was still fucking bad.

“I thought we weren’t focusing on that though.” She murmured as I shook my head sharply. I didn’t want to think about losing her, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about it.

“We’re not, but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna be thinking about it all the time now. There should be no reason whatsoever that I should have to worry about you being taken from me by anything, until you’re old and God says it’s time for you to go.” I gripped her hips slightly and pulled her closer to me as I watched her narrow her gaze at me and inhale softly.

“You try hard not to really think about it, but I promised you we’d spend the rest of our lives together and it starts right here, right now, and you have the ring on your finger and my child in there to prove it. You’re giving me everything I ever wanted outside of being famous, and you know this…” I caressed her stomach through her shirt as she blushed and pressed her head against my chest, and I could hear her weak and shy utter of “shut up…” which made me smile.

She was still in this stage of disbelief, but I was definitely about to yank her out of it.

“So, I’m gonna pull you up here, kiss you like I mean it, because I do, and Morgan, you’re a witness to this and you know it’s real if anyone ever wants to give me shit, ever again.”

And that’s how we were temporarily immortalized, lips pressed together in front of a sea of many who’d witnessed it. This was anything but a joke. I refused to let her act as if after all of this, she still had a reason not to believe how serious I was about her, but I had enough sense now to know that I didn’t need to do some over the top materialistic shit.

I was already going to marry her. It couldn’t get better than that right now.

“Now come on, we gotta get out of here.”

“Pat said you should be able to get off of the floor using the service elevator and get to the ground level parking lot, once the remainder of the security guard comes through and gets into formation to move you out without a billion cameras in your faces.” Morgan said as we finally got suited in hoodies and Kacie grabbed my hand, pulling me into her as I pressed my lips against hers.

“If you think I’m gonna let something happen to you, you’re buggin’. You don’t know who you’re fucking with, huh?” I teased as she pouted and rolled her eyes at me.

I don’t know how but I’m going to assume it was only by the grace of god that we managed to get discreetly through the hospital and down to the SUV in the basement and loaded into the backseat before we got outside, and all hell broke loose.

The second the gates open, I flipped out a bit, pressing my face against the window and staring out of it in disbelief. There was a trail of cop cruisers leading us out of the area and beyond the barricade, but even that meant absolutely nothing at all.

People. Were. Fucking. Everywhere. I wanted to literally scream because I hadn’t been caught up in a crowd this big since the Exclusive Era days, and all I wanted to do was make it to the airport. Moments like this made me realize that realized I was still able to do the smallest thing and get the biggest result.

Kacie was staring out of the window at the madness, hand linked in mines, breath coming out in a long woosh sound as she tilted her head back. The screams got louder and she exhaled as she prepared herself for the hour long patting and hitting of the SUV, and until the small police trail diverted in front of us to serve as some sort of pathway, I didn’t think we would ever make it out of here.

This was a little bit too much for me. I just sat back, watching, even though we picked up speed – barely – and people were still snapping photos with their phones and some had broken the barricade and started running after the SUV, even though we were flanked by two NYPD cruisers. I saw a couple of girls faint and it fucked with me, because I’d only had that happen to me a couple of times and it was always something scary to see.

It seemed like all of the things I lost around the time I fell off of my pedestal in ’09 had just been a very lengthy hiatus, and it was fucking with me. People were holding up their FAME tour stuff, Fortune hoodies, Fortune Posters, banners, and all sorts of shit on the sidelines and I couldn’t believe for a minute that anyone out there was really that caught up over me…

Me. The same nigga that motherfuckers loved to hate and chastise, for some reason, was on top, and I couldn’t help but feel some sort of way about it. I recalled that when I was on a mission to grow up, it didn’t think I was going to happen like this. Everything was shifting and I wasn’t sure how long it was going to remain like this, but for now, I decided to just deal with it.

“It could be worse,” Kacie murmured as she triple checked the locked status of her door and leaned against my shoulder.

“They could be an angry mob. You should be happy… no one has busted out a window with a brick or anything… no one has protested against your health… makes for a good story to tell our kid, don’t you think?”

I focused out the window as I listened to her, observing the mayhem and chaos in our honor as she simply pushed the earplugs into her ear as the screams shot up several decibels. Turning towards her, I rolled down the window really quick and simply waved into the sea of screaming girls.

I’m convinced I heard them all the way until we got to the airport.


 “I love you so fucking much,” Kacie murmured against my shoulder, but I was afraid to touch her. She pouted and lapped her leg over mines, continuing to stroke my ego.

“I don’t understand why you’re beating yourself up over this… I’m here, aren’t I?” She questioned softly as I ran my fingers through her hair and nodded.

“That should be the most important thing. I don’t want you to start losing your shit over this…” She murmured as she pulled her head back and pressed her lips against mines.

Keeping one of her hands on me, she moves onto her side, stretching out on the bed next to me. “Baby, please. If you slip under right now, I am not gonna wanna be around you… and you don’t want that.”

I stare up at the docked lights in the ceiling and inhale deeply, running my fingertips down her unstitched side until I hit her pelvis and roam across her skin until I feel the indent of her belly button underneath my fingertips.

I don’t think I will. At least, I’m trying not to.

I don’t think I can, though. It just doesn’t seem possible. The whole situation is far from over. There’s still a lot to focus on: the media needs to be set straight, the possibility of pressing charges is too fucking real, the whole court thing is really fucking making me sick to my stomach, and then there’s the whole too eerily reminiscent rise from the ashes experience I had while leaving, which I still don’t know how to process.

“You keep touching me like that, something is gon’ pop off and we won’t even be in the air that long, woman.” Her fingers stopped circling my pelvic bone and dipping in and out of the lining of my boxers when I caught on to her once sporadic touching, and she blushed.

“That’s good to know.” She clucked her tongue as I took her hand and sat it directly on my crotch, making sure she knew how she was affecting me.

“You wanted me to know you’re horny; I get it. Even though this is a thirty minute flight, in between here and there, I’m convinced we’re gonna do it.” She giggled against my arm and slapped the bare skin of my stomach.

“I don’t think this is… appropriate.” Kacie clucks her tongue as I roll my eyes and kiss her temple again.

“Having sex before a doctor’s appointment isn’t bad.  Especially not when you can go shower before we get off of here anyway.”

“You can’t wait? My stitches should dissolve in like, under two weeks tops.” Kacie rambles as I reposition myself and press my lips against her hipbone.

“Is that your way of saying we can’t have sex?” I question, feeling her tremble underneath me. I still her with my hands on her hips, left hand barely grazing where her stitches start, and soften my gaze when her eyes roll upwards.

“Are you deflecting your feelings again, or do you genuinely want to?” She questions, and I pause. At first, a part of me was, but now I’m not. I shake my head no and brush my chin across her skin.

“I genuinely want to.”

“Are you going to be super gentle with me then?” She inquired softly, and I nodded again, watching her back arch. She stares at me, ears turning a bit red as I laugh lowly and kiss her stomach.

“Why you blushing?”

“You…just… I don’t know. Forget it. Back to my stitches. It’s numb over here anyway. I heal pretty quickly though, remember that time I cut my foot and had to get stitches in Jamaica and they were healed before the week was over?” She rambles and I nod, watching her hand reach out to graze my scalp.

“I know this is your way of trying to take your mind off of things, so I’ma let you have it.” I wink at her and shift her hips up, barely grasping the side of her shorts as they slide down her hips.

“You was gon’ let me have it either way, ‘cause it’s mines. Act like my name ain’t all over it if you want to… better be lucky I have to be gentle…” I finally comment as she scrunches up her face and pushes me softly against the head.

“Stop being a conceited lil’ fuck,” She laughs, gasping a little as I push my pants down over my hips.

“C’mon now Wifey, by now, you know ain’t a damned thing about me little…”

“I love you.” I love how comfortable she is when she says it, because every utter of it is a genuine proclamation of it.

“I love you too, and that’s why I need you to help me get out of this slump, please.” I request as she brushes her lips against my collarbone and nods, tossing this very gentle, very calming session into motion.

I feel like I’m going to break her, and I know she hates when I handle her like this, but I can’t do anything but be cautious. I can’t afford to lose her now, not with all of what I have on the line.

“We can do this, okay? I promise. I’ma hold your hand through everything, and you know it.” She reassures me softly.

I just want to follow her, and I almost do as she sits up when we’re done, but I know she’d push me away from me. Instead, I smile and I nod, shuttering as I watch her eyes rake me from head to toe, and I don’t mind at all.

This is my future wife right here. My rock. She’s in my corner, and despite our past, she’s staying. And she loves me, which is a major fucking plus, because I definitely know I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who will never love you back. That’s not the case with us anymore.

We’re making the biggest sacrifice we can as a team, and I can’t think of anything else I want right now other than more good news, and then I’ll officially move on and start preparing for a future, a real, honest to god, secure one that the both of us will share, and she’s reluctant to admit it, but she wants it just as bad as I do.

I think that’s one of the reasons why I know that I made the right decision and everything else was merely a stepping stone in the staircase of growth that I needed to experience and learn from. She’s endgame. They’ll have to deal, and Karrueche’s bullshit makes me pissed off to the core because there’s no way anyone else would ever take it as hard or as serious as she did once we were over, even if Robyn did jump in on occasion and take shots at her, it wasn’t this deep.

She never threatened me. I just… can’t get over this. I probably never will. But, Kacie knows this. She knows that I fucking love her, and no matter what happens, nothing is going to change that or take how I feel as a joke.

That’s all that matters right now, is us, here, now…

With her hand in mines, I’m certain that together, I can definitely start to embrace that feeling of power that I’ve craved for in a positive way.

I’m ready. I can do this.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

All that mattersvis that they’re ok. So glad. Anxd its good that he had all of that positive support from the media. Not like he needed it. They’re so in love and it continues to grow and become stronger each an every day. Its good they are making it home. Can’t wait to hear what the Dr has to say.

Comment by CMH

well…it’s all good for now. but i know you…something’s gonna happen. something. because anyone who’s capable of doing all THAT, is capable of anything. i wouldn’t breathe just yet, if i were them.

Comment by tayexugly

So glad everythings alright with Chris and Kacie. They are so good together. You can just tell how much they genuinly love and care for each other. Glad the media and outside world was giving them more support then hate during all the chaos. Instead of bashing them. Lil freaks still managed to get it in on the plane lol. Can’t wait till they’re home.

Comment by Monique Johnson

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