she writes — you read.

something about us x 36

We need to stay together girl
We need to stay together girl
Think about it


I hate superhero mode. It’s a stupid phrase, but it’s what he acts like when he has a lot on his plate. Captain motherfucking America. He doesn’t want to slow down. He doesn’t want to chill out. Everything is constant and frantic and to be honest, I have no fucking idea how he does it, or how I’ll do it when it’s my turn.

I know one thing though, I definitely won’t be as stressed as he can become. I’m a writer. I design shit. My biggest issue is a lack of inspiration, but as a creative person, I could see that being one of his crutches as well. But see, I don’t perform. I could never really grasp how tiring that shit was until I got to witness it for himself, and I’m lowkey worried for tonight.

He might have something up his sleeve, but at the end of the night, he’s gonna be tired as fuck after being on stage, and he’s so fucking excited about impressing his fans and all of this other shit that we definitely didn’t have to worry about last week.

I just don’t want him to let his excitement get him into going into overdrive. It’s bad enough that he’s in superhero mode as it is, and when he powers down, I’ll be the one who has to deal with it before he does the other six shows.

I’ve seen him at his low point which includes too much over exhausting moves when he’s tired and a twinge of reckless behavior once he’s partially restored. My low point is followed by a shitload of smashing on my backspace key, a few shots of tequila, and an unprecedented amount of sleep until I’m over it.

Last week, he barely handled anything, and for a while, I blamed it on my timing. He was just as equally responsible for all the time he spent on us, so hopefully it won’t be hard for him to ease back into getting back into the entertainment grind. Without interviews and opening his mouth to anyone unless it’s done tastefully and respectful of his choices and focused on his career, he might not say shit at all.

I still don’t know how the fuck that’s going to work with this shady ass media, although there are those who look past his past – as they all should – I still.. I’m kinda on the fence about the lack of interviews thing, but whatever.

We’ll see, I guess.

I just don’t want him to get pissed or spazzed out if things don’t go his way with the release of FORTUNE, which I know won’t be bad at all, but with all the issues surrounding his relationship with me – which I really am irritated by as it becomes a big thing with people placing it as one of his ‘often rotating situations’ – and then there’s the rumblings about other things such as the rising of U.G.L.Y as he shifts into a managerial type of position, and then a label-head…

I’m all for development, but I know it’s going to be so much more on his plate. There’s directing, acting, managing artists, and we’re all holding our breath to see how FORTUNE will measure up to topping FAME. There’s a lot to be worried over and stay on top of.

For once, I’m kinda shifty about dipping out right when things are going to really pop off, but I have my own responsibilities to worry about. I’m always just a call away though, and luckily, he knows how to fully utilize that when he needs to. I just want him to go into this with all the positivity that I know he’s capable of possessing, and not letting personal issues float over into public issues, because to be honest, it’s nothing to be pressed over, and since I snapped on his stupid ass cousins a long time ago, they won’t open their mouths and make it into a spectacle either.

It’s not worth it – all Drake references aside, you only do live once, and it’s best to make the best out of it.

I folded my arms across my chest as we continued to walk through the restaurant, and he stopped to give modest hugs and return sentimental expectations for his success as we both smiled, because it was genuine and not misguided, which was rare. I could tell his phone was buzzing in his pocket by the way he shifted it against his leg and groaned softly as his mother wrapped her arms around him, and we started to finally go back into paparazzi alley.

I’m going to miss him when I get home, and I hate it.

We’d have to fly out tonight and I wasn’t too excited about that at all. I missed Alex and Bee, and Mel and Shayne said they would come out for tonight only, but damn. With the exception of Barry’s company, I would be by myself. I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with fake people who’d all started to gravitate back to him while he was in celebrity mode, and I wasn’t really here to be used by anyone.

We’ve taken a fucking quantum leap here, and I have to wait even more once I get back, but hopefully time speeds by once I do get there. It’s harder to really grasp because I’m trying to wait for a moment where it would be nice to me to pull him to the side and give him a reasonable goodbye, and with all of this shit going on, that probably won’t happen until I’m on my way to the airport. I still don’t know exactly what to do with an entire apartment for me in New York, for us, while I’m out not doing anything in the area.

I have a lot to think about.

I hope tonight goes smoothly, because people have been hitting me up about it since Tuesday’s ustream. Everyone who’s in the least bit of important to him has refused to give him a break since he’s been at 106. It’s cool because not all of the faces are unfamiliar to me, but a lot – females and males alike – are, and it’s hard to really convey to him that not everyone is out for his best interest, but I know he’s well aware of that already. It doesn’t really bother me that he’s shoved his phone deep into his pocket as we leave, but as I press against him as we leave, I can still feel it vibrating and buzzing.

“Damn I wish we could have waited inside.” I quietly complained as I folded my arms across my chest as we waited on Pat to pull the car around. He pulled me into him despite the fact that there was a small squadron not too far away from us because they had spotted Kanye coming from the same restaurant.

“Here, you cold?” He shrugged his jacket off and wrapped his arms around me before pressing his lips against my face.

“Pat’ll be around soon.” He insisted as we swayed gently to keep warm. A few photographers caught up to us as I inwardly leaned against him for coverage, until they were shunned away by his mom, my dad, and Tim, one of Chris’ long time bodyguards who’d drove over from the venue to get us there.

“I’ma go see what the hold up is.”

“C’mere,” My dad extended his arm and pulled me into his side after planting a wet kiss onto my forehead and I grimaced.

“Are you ever tired of him?” My foot tapped annoyingly into the sidewalk as my dad raised his eyebrow and I shook my head softly.

Honestly, I could say no and really mean it.

“You ran off to California for him…that was like a reminder, huh?” He questioned, and I shrugged, too intent on quelling the urge inside of me than to answer any of his questions.

“You think it’s romantic? You’ve run off for him before, I just… didn’t think it was this deep.” He ran his hand down his goatee as I shrugged slightly again, but of course he wouldn’t think it was this deep. He’d always had his reservations and personal issues with Chris, but I don’t know what he was going to do when he realized all of the true effort he’d put into making us really work.

“Daddy I—“ I started as he tsked at me and held his hand up in front of my face. I giggled because when I did start in on telling him that I loved him, I always got reprimanded for it.

“You love him, I know.” He shook his head at me as I nodded firmly and bumped his hip.

“As long as you know…” I started and then felt fingertips gripping my sides and his familiar scent coating my nose again as I bent back and pressed my lips against his well-maintained scruff and squeezed my hips together more.

“I’m ready to go…” I whispered as he nodded and I stilled as he let me go and bent forward to hug my dad, and then his mom.

“See you guys in about an hour, alright?” He waved them off as I climbed into the open door and pressed my face against his neck as the SUV drove off.


I was nervous. Getting on stage made me nervous mainly because it brought me back to a situation I didn’t necessarily like – being pushed into a spotlight for all the wrong reasons. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was having fun even though it was hard for me to really stay in one spot. The set up was cool and the double screens that showed a previously edited melody of videos had me more excited than he was as he finally got to see how it turned out.

I blush every time those strings of videos from Exclusive popped up – especially Wall To Wall and Kiss, Kiss – and try to swallow down the smile on my face. The pepper spray is stuck to my finger, on a key ring that I’ve been mindlessly twirling around. I’ll use that shit, to be honest.

It’s better than some of his other… parties. There aren’t any strippers, which is cool. There’s a bar for people twenty one and up, but I haven’t been able to navigate myself across the room to get there just yet. The place is packed though, and it’s kinda hard to make my way around the room without clinging onto someone I know because I’m short and everyone else seems fucking huge with all the heels being worn and all that type of over the top shit.

He looks happy as fuck, but I guess I could say the same for myself – a combination of good sex and good food has me in a good mood.

There’s a lot of dancing and picture taking though, as always, the photographers from Delmar Photography had a small FORTUNE photo booth set up, and I waved at a few familiar faces before running and kneeling into their picture, like I’ve been doing on and off tonight. He’s jumped into a few, picked up familiar fans, hugged a lot of people, and kissed one girl on the cheek.

I’m not mad, not even after he made it his business to come to my side and press his lips against mines before watching her frown and flip us off. His mom caught the girl and she tried to apologize, but for the last five minutes I’ve been looking out for that cunt and trying to get over it. I’m used to rudeness, but it wasn’t totally aimed at me, so honestly, I let it slide.

For a moment, there is disorientation. Silence. I didn’t even expect it to get this quiet, but he has a show to put on. In a way, I guess I do too, even if I don’t totally look the part. I refuse to change. He knows how I get when I get comfortable, and right now, I really am comfortable.

I don’t even feel bothered by the club outfit fashion show gone wrong in the photo booth, or the girls who walk past me, give me that conditioning glance as I chill in my FORTUNE hoodie and jeans, like a majority of the workers and his family members here. I kept my hair in a neat braid that took a fucking hour to do, but I figured the less effort I put into making myself stand out, the easier the night would be.

Well, I had built my entire fucking night on that idea until Barry slipped me three shots of raspberry lemonade and patron, and the next thing you know, my braid is out, my hair is spilling down my back, and my hoodie is somewhere on a chair on stage, where I’ve been for the past twenty minutes, smiling at him.

“What’s left? Tell me what we’re gonna listen to next.” I swiveled my hips against Barry as he shrugged and put his arms on my shoulder. We’d busted through selects from FORTUNE and they’re playing some type of interlude, dubstep?

It’s funny because I get to really catch a glimpse of everyone’s faces as they struggle to get into it, and those who are hip to it already look a fucking mess trying to dance to something that’s ultimately reserved for tight knit choreography and arm flailing.

I make sure to take a video on my iPhone and send it to Bee and Alex before shaking my head and trying to lower Barry’s arms. He’s fucking uncoordinated, oh my god. It’s like…

It’s fucking hilarious, that’s the only perfect way to describe it. I winked at Drew as he tilted his head at me, and I bobbed mines back and forth to the beautiful people remix from the VMA’s, another one of my favorites. I don’t even blink before jumping up and down on the chaise to the remix of Smells Like Teen Spirit until he threatens to pull me down, and does, wrapping his arms around my legs and spinning me in circles.

“Babe. Are you tipsy? It wouldn’t be fitting if you weren’t…I’ma punch Barry in the neck, I swear.” I cling to his neck and fuck, he smells amazing. It takes everything I can to keep myself from rubbing against him.

He lowers me to the ground and we stand there, on the side of the stage, but still obviously seen. I raise my hand up to Moe, who chuckles and nudges Barry’s side, because now he’s staring too and I hate to make a show out of my inability to keep my hands to myself.

Now that I’m touching him, I want to be closer. Slowly, I take my hand and slip it into his. I hear him sigh, and his hand squeezes mine, his thumb brushing over the back of mine.

“Ah ah ah,” I winced at the tsking sound as I felt a handful of my hair being tugged and I caught a glimpse of a tattoo and a pointed eyebrow as I darted around to blush at Christine.

“Keep it cute.” She warned as we dropped hands and I instantly felt like she’d chastised me as I inched back from him, but he grabbed my hand and shooed her off.

“Are you gonna sit now? C’mon, sit your ass down.” He murmurs as he leads me to another chaise, which is obviously in stage view as everyone gets louder and I groan inwardly and try to inch back into my way back onto my side of stage hiding spot.

“Nuh uh, stop.” He warned as he slammed his hands to my knees and kept me sitting on the purple piece of furniture that makes me fold my arms across my chest at the restriction.

“Phone.” He holds out his hand as I furrow my brow but place my iPhone in his hand anyway, and narrow my gaze at him. What the fuck is he up to? My stomach rolls with the thoughts that roll through my head, but I swallow them down very quickly.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Just sit.” He promises as he’s done time and time again, rubbing his hand on my leg.

My stomach lurches again, but I nod. I give him a weak smile as he pinches my cheeks, and at the sound of all the noise behind us, I’m embarrassed to say that it’s him I’m worried about more than myself.

The lights die down a bit, and I lowkey freak out, but it’s mainly over the stage area. I can see around me, but in front of me is a mystery, and all of the clamoring fans that make their way back close to the stage barrier all seem to fuse into a crowd of colors and hairdos, which makes me squint.

I’m cool until I hear someone grunt out my name with too much attitude in their tone. Especially by an unfamiliar voice, which makes me stare around in confusion until I can place a face with a voice. What the fuck? The pepper spray in my pocket seems to vibrate as I roll my eyes annoyingly at the intrusion from the opposite side of the stage.

“If you’ve known him for so long, how come we’ve never seen you in pictures and shit like that before?” Someone questions, obviously brought up by Keeis or Rob, another fascination I would never fucking understand. I rolled my eyes again as the girl moved closer to me, and I gave her a definite stank look.

“I can’t be private? What, I have to gloat and show off? I would say I’m normal just like you, but, on second thought… no. And why should I? Does that verify emotions for you or…what? Who are you for me to have to prove something to? Get the fu-“ I realized she’d set me off on a rant of the same questions that had been rolling in and out of my various communication methods.

I hated a nosey motherfucker, but this no name cunt actually had the cojones to open her mouth to me before she even got whatever the fuck she was aiming to get.

Really bitch? Really?

I rolled my eyes incessantly as I shooed the rude bitch away and sucked my teeth. I stopped myself short of using my favorite words, knowing his mom would frown at me once she realized what was going on, but in two swift moves, the girl was moved back onto the general floor, and Rob was tossing his hands up in surrender.

Again, what the fuck?

See, two seconds ago, everything was good. He holds me too close too long one time, and bitches get rude and catch feelings. Damn. I’m so glad none of his fans can see us fully. That would just be fucking fantastic.

“Don’t make me pepper spray your one night stand, okay?” I dug into my pocket and retrieved the spray as I felt a familiar pair of eyes watching me, and saw him shaking his head as he leaned into Rob and pulled Keeis by the arm and murmured something to the two of them before they disappeared and I sat there with my arms across my chest. He moves closer in the blink of an eye and stretches his arms out, silently requesting a hug.

I move the short distance between us, wrapping my arms around his waist, feeling his arms move around my shoulders holding me to him. His head rests on mine, and I can feel the warmth of his breath when he speaks. “Females always talk out the side of their necks when they sense a threat, you know that shit. Don’t stress though, ‘cause I love you.”

I can’t respond due to the tears choking my words but nod into his chest, because yes, I love him too, but speaking it out into the open air will kill a lot of moods, but he knows it. I’m sure of it.

“Kacie Jaylin DeVaughn, I swear, you better not have your tears on my shirt.” He warned as I instantly flung my head side to side and fanned my face before shaking my head no and feeling his thumb trail down my face.

“A mess. You ready though?” He questioned as I watched him dig underneath his shirt and flick his battery pack on. I tilted my head like an owl and inched back from him.

“Ready for what?” I clucked my tongue as he smirked and sat me back down as the lights finally came back up and he winked.

“You’ll see.”

1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

Damn Kacie. Why didyou let her get to you? Youknow she’s just jealous of what yall have and she wish it were herin your shoes. I think he’s about to make her blush! 🙂 And he’s about to do something very sweet.

Comment by CMH

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