she writes — you read.


thinking of you x 29

I was meant for you and you were meant for me, yeah
And I’ll make sure that I’ll be everything you need, yeah
Girl the way we are is how its gonna be 
Just as long as your love don’t change

29.

“Not recently. Then.” She doesn’t even have to put a date on it for me to know when then is, and my stomach instantly drops. Kacie gasps in her seat, and her crew beyond her tapers off, leaving her alone in front of the screen.

“It’s fucked up to admit, but I’ve just now gotten hospital reports back since I’ve spent more time than I’ve liked being hospitalized for exhaustion and dehydration… and that kinda just… you know… came out. I had no fucking idea, and it’s my body, you know? like…” Robyn’s rambling in between crying, and her accent slurs and drops when she glances up at us, apologizing.

I still can’t process this. Funny how the past takes up some much headspace when there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it.

“Really? They tell you this shit right now?” Kacie blinks away just as many tears as Robyn does, and my chest starts to hurt even more.

I find myself standing outside of the balcony in her room before she can even reach for her tissues. I need the air. I can’t have a panic attack in front of them.

For a few moments, I contemplate hurtling myself over the edge and running towards the salty water beyond the wood marker fence of the property line, and ignoring everything I’ve just heard.

I hear the doors sliding open and I glance over my shoulder to see Kacie leaning against the door, wiping the corner of her eye and looking at me, trying to adjust to eyes to the high sun.

“I hope you’re really not thinking about jumping.” She teases, voice quiet, curious. I shake my head.

“I know it hurts, but you can’t ignore it. Come back, we’ll get through this now and end it.” I’m not really sure how to respond, not sure how to tell her that I couldn’t sit in there for another minute no matter how hard I tried, so I just shrug my shoulders.

She backs off, hand clutching her side and eyes narrowing on me. The fresh air has calmed my rapid breathing and I think that I have finally composed myself enough that I’m not going to break. I can tell that she is more than a little frustrated, and a bit angry, and I’m not sure how to handle everything that is inside of her while still trying to help myself.

“I just needed a minute,” I whisper as she sits down on the ground beside me, “I just needed to breathe.”

“Breathe in…” Kacie instructs, small hand pressing against my chest like a guide as I do.

I’m overcome with instant relief; it’s like pulling my hands from the snow and submerging them in hot water. It prickles through my body, warming me from the inside out. I hold it, and she locks eyes with me, doing so herself.

“Breathe out.” She insists on a whisper as I do, calm enough to stare out at the surf and stop clenching my jaw. She places her hand in mines and sighs, and bends to kiss my lips.

“C’mon.” She pressed my hand into her stomach, hovering over little sunflower seed baby, and I sigh, thankful, but still hurt.

Robyn’s still on the screen, waiting, patient. Her hair is pulled up and her face is clear of makeup and tears. Her eyes, they slay me with sadness. I wonder if she sleeps.

Now, she just looks sad.

“Did you think I was going to be upset?” I asked, feeling a little bit less incredulous than I was when I left.

I’m just… stunned. Shocked. In disbelief, but I can believe it. Building up to that month, since Kacie’s birthday in December, we’d had a lot of angry sex. It could have happened any time in between there after we’d fucked up in Sydney.

“Not upset,” she said, shaking her head and sniffling. I thought the tears had stopped, and I wasn’t sure when they started up again.

“But I was afraid you’d be disappointed, like it was too soon or something. After Sydney, I guess it was just like… a back to back thing. And I didn’t want to tell you, and have you look anything less than excited, you know? That would’ve broken my heart.” She sighed, and I watched Kacie disappear and come back, hands buried in her hair, watching silently.

“You might know exactly what to say and what needs to be done, but it’s harder for me.” I pause, breathing deeply.

“But Kacie’s pregnant now, I mean like… you’ll get what you wanted… did you honestly and truly believe we were ready for anything but a scandal then? I mean hell, imagine if we would have really managed to be stupid enough in Sydney for things to work out right…” I drag my hands down my face, wanting to shut up and stop talking about the what if’s, but this tiny part of me won’t let me and it’s eating away at me.

Robyn glances at me, and Kacie draws her knees to her chest. Energy passes back and forth between us, making me so damn nervous. I swear, I’ve never picked apart a situation or relationship the way I have with this one.

“Could you stomach playing step-mom to our child?”

There’s little point in lying. Curiosity is eating away at me. Letting go this way will completely demolish any walls between us. I need to know.  “Could you?”

When she nods yes, I squeeze her hand a little tighter. Of course she would.

“Don’t take it personal… I’m definitely not going to try to get in the middle of all of that,” Robyn shakes her head and shifts in her seat.

“But if you wanted to find a place for me, I’d be happy.” Her words make my heart expand; they give me exactly what I didn’t know I needed. Hope.

….

“So you’re in a better mood now that you got food on your stomach?” Kacie questioned as I stared down at the green and white checkered tiles of the floor and nodded.

I watched her eat more of her crawfish etouffee and dig into my half of our Hurricane Margie, making me purse my lips at her for a minute. We split crab cakes and she eats all of the cole slaw and half of a fish fillet before I saw her hand dip underneath the table.

“You’re all stuffed and shit now, huh?” I laughed lowly at her as she nodded and continued spooning out the last bits of what was left in her bowl.

“I’m like seconds away from unbuttoning my pants, I’ma have to do some serious yoga and running in the morning.” She reached over the table and gripped my hand, threading our fingertips together.

“When are we going to your house?” She questioned, and I shrugged. “Our house? Whenever my mom comes back.”

“Oh, yeah… our house… I like this sharing stuff,” She mumbled while dipping a hush puppy in ketchup and I picked at a few French fries. “Sharing is cool.”

“Are you gon’ be able to walk out of here?” I had to keep smiling, keep joking, keep pushing forward. She nodded and ate another hush puppy, and pouted when she was done.

“Dude, I’m gonna be huge. I’m pregnant. And engaged. To you. This is fucking surreal, I don’t….” She started to blush as I ran my fingertips across her wrist and looked at her intently.

“Ion’ see how you’re still in disbelief.” I murmured as she drank some of her lemonade and shrugged.

“It’s like, the last thing I expected out of us…” She quietly murmured as she kicked her feet up to the other side of the chairs and I pulled her feet into my lap.

“You used to put me through hell and give me shit on the regular…” She licked her lips and I nodded, thankful that we’d pulled through that rough patch to end up where we were now.

“And now we’re going to be engaged and have a kid and a future and throw all that shit away, it doesn’t feel surreal to you?” She questioned as I ran my fingertips down her calves and she laughed as I shook my head no.

“I believed in us, you were always the impatient one, picking us apart,” I circled her ankle.

“You were the one determined to rush things. I don’t think we have anything to worry about now.” I ran my fingers back to her hand, smoothing my fingers across her palm.

“You survived almost dying, hell… you definitely don’t have to worry about anything if you were able to cheat death.” I ran my fingertips across her hand as she smiled softly and subconsciously touched her stitched up side.

“You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. C’mon, you ready to go?” I ask and she yawns widely, giving me the yes I need. After we get our food boxed and I pay up, she leans against my arm and inhales when we get out, pants unbuttoned just like she said, and shoes in her hand.

“You still gon’ take care of me, right?” She questions as we walk to her car, sand and dirt underneath her feet. I scoop her up, food bag in one hand, her pressed against my chest, back to practicing this bridal style carry. She laughs and I nod.

“Definitely, believe that.”

We end up on the beach, the breeze blowing from the ocean and abandoned leftovers being tossed to curious birds. It’s almost nine pm, and the heat soars, and I follow Kacie to yank on this old paddleboard she’d grabbed from underneath the porch.

I’m only a bit curious when some girl hops over Kacie’s fence boundary and rushes towards her. I get instantly defensive while brushing mud off of the paddle, and Kacie instantly tells me to chill. The girl is still coming though, and she shrieks and yells and slaps Kacie on the thigh when she asks why she hasn’t been home in months.

She looks no older than fourteen, and gives me a two second glance before launching into my fiancée’s arms. Kacie laughs and introduces us, and I give a small head nod to her neighbor, Chan.

“Wait, you’re engaged? Oh no, c’mon, talk to me. I’ma paddle you out. Sit and start explaining yourself!” Kacie glances at me briefly as I shoo her away, walking into the water until it’s up to my kneecaps to keep an eye on her.

Even at this time of night, when it’s just starting to get dark and the moonlight is reflecting on the water, it’s so clear you can submerge yourself neck deep and still see your toes. I walk around for a while until an older woman comes to the barrier of the fence and calls Chan back, and she immediately dives into the water to make it back to shore.

I watch Kacie curse and start to paddle her way back, riding out a small wave before getting back to the shore and shaking the water from her hair like a dog. Her hair flaps in the salty air like Medusa’s head of snakes and I smile and take her hand again as she ditches the paddle and board against the canopy.

“Chan is just… hype. Reminds me of Alex when I first met her, all excited and curious. I used to baby-sit her all the time.” Kacie seems happier, more relieved than the news from earlier.

I catch her adjusting her bikini top for maximum cleavage, and she flashes me before I chase her around until I capture her and pull her down into the sand. “We’re not fucking in the sand, oh no. not now that I know I’m pretty much gonna be eyeballed by Chan until we drive to Richmond.”

I comply with a bunch of kisses and hickies until she pulls a sheer green tank on and collapses against me. She starts to plait her hair, and I help. Her feet and legs are exfoliated with sand and I’m half-naked, surprised that we’ve only seen three people nearby on their own stretches of beach, and a couple of familiar faces, her neighbors on the opposite side, wave at us.

“How’d I end up doing your hair anyway?” I absentmindedly ask, and she laughs.

“You gotta learn,” She insists as I overlap the pieces of hair and form my sixth braid.

“Cause if you end up watching our kid, you gon’ have to do hair… and if we have a daughter, you gotta learn how to braid.” She comments as I watch her pull the long braid away from her head and begin rolling it into a knot.

“I’ma make Alex do it,” I laugh, and she clucks her tongue. “You know she ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

My cell phone blinked, alerting me to missed messages. I stopped braiding her hair and she deemed me fired as I laid back on the towel and decided I could give into responding to texts and emails.

Barry

Aye motherfucker I know you’re in Sandbridge by now call me and let me know what the Father’s day plans

Morgan

Glad you made it in one piece, and I’m mailing your first unofficial father’s day gift to your mom’s place!

Mama

Call me ASAP, its been long enough!

“Oh, I’m too mad I missed mother’s day if you’re gonna get a shit load of unofficial father’s day gifts now.” Kacie pouted as she licked the ice cream escaping from the shell of her choco-taco as we retreated to her balcony. I laughed and gripped her hips, shaking my head at her.

“You ain’t gon’ whine over everything for the next eight months, woman.” I scolded her as she pushed herself towards the edge and let her feet dangle in between the open boards.

“Whatever, I want gifts too.” She grimaced as I pressed my lips against hers and laughed when I ended up with chocolate on my face.

“You got a lil’… something right there.” She smiled as I picked it off and ate it, and she dropped her jaw. “Gross!”

“I love you baby,” I pulled her down and kissed her belly button as she sighed and gripped my shoulder.

“Oh, I love you too Kacie.” I felt her hand twack me on the shoulder as I licked my lips and pulled her into my lap, needing her closer to me.

“I hope everything stays alright, y’know?” I murmured softly as she scoffed, and I ran my fingertips down her hips.

“Oh it will, I have shit to take care of to make sure it stays that way.” I tell her, and it’s something I intend on sticking to. This is what I want. How I behave, is entirely different.

I’m changing. There’s nothing better than this feeling.

….

I knew being MIA was only going to last for so long, so when we get up, I’m frowning when Kacie kicks the sheets off of her and throws her shirt across the room and flattens herself against her bed, sleeping like a fucking wild child.

I climb out of bed and sit in the bathroom, strumming my fingers across my neck as I take a leak and groan when my phone rings. It’s filled with inquiries, they keep piling up, and I suck my teeth when my gossip column updates.

I roll my eyes because there’s still a lot to address and the bulk of everything can’t be handled by Morgan alone. Engagement news can hold off until Sunday Morning, when sneak peeks of our episode will air all throughout the day, hyping up the episode. People still want to know about what led me to run to the hospital, and I’m surprised I slept through the night without dreaming about it.

We don’t have long here, and it’s already Thursday. Time is shooting by. I’m kind of ready to leave here, but I know going to my place will definitely bring back a shit load of memories that I don’t know if Kacie can deal with considering our new developments.

I sit on the edge of the bathtub and groan at the thought. It’s possible, but I don’t want to fully admit it… I feel just as surreal about this as she does, now that I take everything fully into consideration. We could be living totally different lives, and that’s the last thing I wanted in my vision for the future.

I tilt back, getting a face full of sunrays as I do so, and stand up, shaking the thought from my head. I’m where I’m supposed to be. Like my mom always said, God definitely doesn’t make mistakes, nor give us things we can’t handle.

My phone makes noise with another update as I glance at it, and smile. Robyn’s in a better mood, and I smile as I lean against the sink and reply to her text.

Robyn

She throwing up yet?

CB

Not yet. She doesn’t wanna get out of bed, so I wouldn’t be shocked if she has morning sickness and vomits in a trashcan. Are you alright?

Robyn

I’m fine. Headed to Cali. Keep me updated.

“You cheatin’ on me?” She questions with a yawn, pushing me out of the way in order to turn on the shower.

I watch her step out of her shorts and hold her tits in her hand, groaning. She is ridiculous. She sighs as she turns to observe her side and pick at the sutures that have started to form two long, thin scars on her side. They’ll be there forever, reminding her of the accident that almost killed her. It makes my stomach plummet and instantly need her close to me.

“Don’t play with me. C’mere,” I pull her close to me, running my fingers down her sides.

“You’re not gonna have morning sickness?” I run my fingers down her back and she shrugs.

“No? Probably later. I bet this kid is going to be heavyyyy… I keep going to pee. And I legit had to throw my shirt off because my nipples hurt… you don’t wanna hear about this shit, tell me to stop talking.” She blushes, and my stomach steels. I want to.

“I wanna hear about everything.” I reassure her, and she rolls her eyes at me.

“Liar. Wanna shower?” She pulls her hands around to unclasp her bra and I nod.

“No really just shower, no fucking.” She turns towards me and I shake my head at her as I push my boxers back down over my hips.

“We’re engaged and in love, I think we’re way past the fucking stage in our relationship.”

Her engagement ring sparkled against her cinnamon skin as prisms spilled bright color flecks filled the bathroom. She swatted me in the chest as we stepped over the side and she pulled me closer to her, warm water spraying the both of us.

“Oh my god, I get to make love to Chris Brown? Oh my god,” She continuously mumbles as I laugh and press my forehead against hers.

“Call me Chris.” I remind her and she blushes, inching up to guide my hand to her back.

“Oh, I get to see the real you this morning? Well, after all this anticipation, it had better be good.” Kacie voices, staring at me.

Something about the way she looks at me, and the way she just looks, makes my stomach dip. I feel nineteen and anxious to prove to her that everything I say is real and none of this is fake. At one point I look up and our eyes meet and she licks her lower lip, patiently waiting for me to do something.

I push into her and I let out a shaky breath, reminding myself, this is the woman I’m going to marry. And nothing else is going to come in between us.

…..


“So, realistically… our kid resembles a vagina with a tail… I swear, look.” She shoves the iPad at me and goes back to eating her Takis and mashed avocado.

I stare at the screen, looking at the weird squid looking thing and Kacie grimaces as she shovels more avocado into her mouth and even goes as far as licking the bits from her finger.

“Oh fuck, I need to feed you, ‘cause you’re just being ridiculous now.” I pull her up and place her on the counter as she instantly digs into what’s left from the edible arrangement we tore apart yesterday, and I raise my eyebrow when I see her picking the nuts from an apple.

When she starts to eat them separately, I grimace. “I thought you hated nuts?”

“I wanted salt.” She shrugs, and I watch her hop down and then dig her hand through a drawer until she materializes a bag of salt and vinegar chips.

“How are you gonna cook when you’re culinary underdeveloped?” She asks as I roll my eyes and glance around at the kitchen. It was easier in Manhattan when it was a cookbook in almost every counter of the kitchen.

“You should know by now I can at least make waffles and bacon, and eggs…” I list food as she rolls her eyes at me.

“Why can’t we go to Island Pizza?” She inquires and I shrug.

“We can walk, I need the exercise.”

We end up in downtown Sandbridge and eating a ridiculous pizza as we walk to the beach, something Kacie called boyfriend repellant. It’s ridiculous and greasy, topped with sausage, onions, extra cheese, jalapenos, pineapples and pepperoni.

“You are so. Gross. Why am I marrying you again?” I question as she cringes and pull cheese and jalapeños away from her mouth before eating them.

“’Cause man… you said you would. And you love me. And I’m cute, and I almost got killed once, and if I didn’t get killed, I’d probably be locked up, and… I’m nauseous.” She wiped her hands on a napkin and kicked her Nike slip-ons into the sand.

“You’re nauseous?”

“Hold this.” She darts into a bunch of weeds and I don’t know how, but I actually have the stomach to eat four pieces of pizza until she comes back and props back on her elbows.

“I swear… can it be February already?”


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Well its good to see Robyn back to herself. I’m glad that she’s able to be happy for them. Kacie you eat a lot! Lol! They’re babies going to be big I bet. Its so cute to see him excited and her as well. Where’s that resturaunt at? I’m from Virginia myself and I’ve never heard of it.

Comment by CMH

They both are in Sandbridge :)

Comment by KCnvrmnd

Aww sad about Robyn. But like she said that would’ve been a huge scandal. Kacie and Chris ate such a passionate couple I love them together. Throwing up is one of the sucky parts of being pregnant. Luckily Chris is there tho. LOL at him can’t wait till February. I can’t wait till they meet up with Mamma Joyce.

Comment by Monique J

hurry and update i’m ready for some mama joyce!

Comment by Lola




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