she writes — you read.


thinking of you drabbles | the way you make me feel #14


set in august ’07 | drabble: impulsive | word count: 2,200+

“Because I mean, Graduation is going to be fucking, uh-mazing.” I’m packing and she’s rocking back and forth, eyeing me warily but calm enough not to jump on me. I don’t want her to. It’s not going to make this better.

“You only heard two songs, and you’re stanning?” I looked over my shoulder as she winked, and I watched her laugh and nod, tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth as she configured her new iPhone.

“So um, are you… going to see her at the airport?” Her voice is curious, pensive. I nod. She glances back into her phone.

I try not to give into her false attempts at not being pressed about this. She’s been spiraling over and over again like a great cycle of isolation, because she knows after this shred of time together I will go spend hours with Robyn.

“Probably.” I stop packing, wondering how are we supposed to separate when she barely wants me to touch her anymore, and that’s my fault in its entirety.

I glance up at the TV, and Umbrella is on again. Out of habit, I instantly look at Kacie. There’s always an air of tension when Robyn is involved now, and I still don’t know how she got through that night in California to end up here, like this, insecure and irritated.

It’s almost like she’s under a spell. Her breath gets short and her chest gets tight. Sometimes, her inhaler comes out, but she doesn’t look away. I don’t get it, but I leave her alone. I don’t want her snapping on me, for whatever reason.

“You gon be alright?” I ask when the video is over, but she’s still sitting there in this weird, disconcerted state. She once claimed us to be synchronized, but right now, I don’t know what she’s thinking.

She whispers a gentle lie, trying not to let it catch in her throat, and I can tell she’s struggling to blow whatever’s gotten to her off.

“I’m good.”

This is it: the beginning of the end. I can feel the kick I‘m going to want to give my ass in the future, but I don’t stop myself.

“So, Vegas?” I question, and she nods. This is the end of summer hurrah, and I feel like shit that we’re barely talking.

“What, I don’t get a hug?” she asks, pretending to be offended.

I roll my eyes and smile at her. “You get a hug. C’mere.”

Her arms wrap around mines and her head presses against my chest, making my stomach flutter. We spend a longer amount of time than I thought, standing there, pressed against each other, extremely more matured than the hopelessly rebellious seventeen year olds that decided to disappear to Virginia, but way more lost than those same seventeen year olds who spent a majority of the summer fooling around in a tour bus.

I don’t want to leave, but it’s the business. It’s how I make my money. She understands, but it still stings. She pulled away first, chin resting on my chest as we started swaying slightly. I wasn’t ready to let go yet. Her eyes caught mine, and something passed between us, a knowing, perhaps. My heart did this shivery thing in my chest, both heavy and light at the same time.

“Do me a favor?” she asks, and I instantly inhale sharply as her fingertips brush down my sides.

“What do you want me to do?”

She inches up on her tiptoes and kisses me on the cheek, her lips brushing my skin as she requests: “Miss me.”

I nod. I can do that. It’s impulsive. But, the only thing more ridiculous than her asking me to miss her is how much I already do.

……

Barry is not as stealthy as he thinks he is, especially when he’s drunk. His feet shuffle when he’s trying to be sneaky, and that’s how I know it’s him out in the hallway. The bedroom door opens and he stumbles in, frowning and tossing a piece of paper at me.

I sit up, eyebrows drawn together, and he apologizes through hiccups. “I thought I gave you that, until I found it in my pants.”

I stare at it and wave him off, and I already know who it’s from. She has this thing about writing notes. Whenever I saw her handwriting, I had the same reaction: I traced the letters with my fingertip, like it might help give me some insight into her mind.

Breezy, (because Christopher is definitely not as much as an asshole as you are in superhero mode)

Doesn’t it seem easier to write how I feel instead of calling you or talking to you and making you nervous about things? I’ve chilled out enough, but no matter what, there are still about seventeen days until I’m off to Chicago until at least September. Parents weekend is definitely not gon’ be for me, so be prepared to see me in VEGAS!

I swear I don’t remember anything you’re nominated for because I’m too excited for you to perform wall to wall and kiss, kiss and I swear on my life I think I’m going to have a serious freak out because I’m too damned excited about it… don’t judge.

But anyway… so, we’re on a break… this is making me feel like you’re the Ross to my Rachel and I swear it’s oh so very aggravating. Maybe this break will be good for us… hopefully.

I’m not about to continuously run around in circles with you and I’m definitely not about to put my heart on the line. (Yeah, I went there.)

We can play the waiting game if you want, but when I’m on my own for real, all bets are off. If you want me to move on, you asked for it, remember that. It’s just something you should be aware of.

Hopefully one of us won’t do something to break the other’s heart, but if so… sorry in advance.

Kace

It turned out, though, that I’d been kidding myself for months; I had no idea what was going on in that woman’s head. She and I had kept up our texting, exchanging words and pictures sometimes as often as every couple of hours, but this letter, seeing these words on paper, slayed me.

Especially after the visitor I’m just getting used to being with, even after she’s left me. I’m only taking this ‘start with a friendship’ suggestion in segments, and Robyn’s back to that whole ‘we’re best friends, he’s like a little brother’ campaign.

There are hickies lining my throat and neck, and I suck my teeth at the suggestion that I should wear a scarf around my neck when we start shooting. My pillows still smell like Robyn. She’s getting too damned good with popping up for quickies and attempts to get into my mind, slowly entertaining the idea of the two of us getting back to being together. I’m still weighing my options.

We’re too busy right now anyway – she’s shooting a video for that song with Ne-Yo and the shoot for Kiss, Kiss went into production hours ago – so finding time for each other is going to be tricky. She’s about to go on tour and I’ve kicked around ideas about touring anywhere possible starting in December, since Exclusive is being pushed back to October. I’m in full business mode, and it’s kind of welcomed after being able to chill for so long.

After reading that note though, I’m not in the best of mood anymore because I can’t stop thinking about it. My head is spinning. It’s been hours since she left, and I’m restless, crabby, and I can’t seem to turn my mind off. I let my eyes focus on the darkness around me and the unfamiliarity of the room.

I’m not sure why but my fingers reach for the phone on my nightstand. It’s nearing on two am and I can’t face the quiet any longer, even though I’m still reeling from my club high, and bathroom quickies. I just need someone to talk to. I scroll through the contacts, my finger hesitating above the call button and then I push it.

The phone feels heavy in my hands, but I listen to the pause as it connects and then it rings once before she answers.

“Hey,” I whisper. The line stays quiet for a moment and I find myself listening to the sound of each breath she takes. There’s something soothing in the familiarity of the noise and I find myself pacing my breathing to match hers.

“Hi,” she whispers back. Her voice is gritty and garbled and I know that she was unable to sleep, just as I was. I can picture her lying in bed, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.

“You can’t sleep?” her voice is soothing and I shake my head before I realize that she can’t see me. I wish she could though.

“Nah,” my voice breaks and she lets out this small groan when she hears it and I know without a doubt that the worry lines on her face are deepening. “Did I wake you up?”

“Yeah, did you get my note?” I hear her move around in bed, the covers rustling and listen to the silence.

“Yeah, but normal people email, or text, or call…” I rambled off as she laughed, low and lazily. “I’m a writer, I write, asshole. Barry probably forgot I gave it to him. But, I’m still sleepy… so, I’ll see you in Vegas, right?”

“Hmm, now you’re just trying to get me off the phone… I’ma see you though, Kacie.”

“I’m trying to get my sleeping in before I have to shop and pack, you know that… go to bed, Christopher.”

“Aiight, I love you.”

“I know.” One day she’ll say it. One day. And if she doesn’t, I’ll live. Some things are bigger than words, like she once told me.

I set the phone on my nightstand and stare at the ceiling. I am so over lying to myself about this.

….

“I’m just being real with you! It’s a cycle that’s fucking genius if you think about it.”

“You got the good girl who’ll do anything with but really let ya’ll get too attached and actually…” JD makes a crude reference to fucking with his finger being jammed repeatedly into a fist, “And then there’s the high profile girl who’s admittedly kind of fucked up in the head, but she’ll boost your popularity and ya’ll would look good together, and everyone will eat that shit up, so I say go for it.”

“Don’t ditch either one of ‘em. Keep doing you until you fall in love or some shit, then you make an executive decision about who’ll get the chop.” Levell suggests as I roll my eyes and wave them off.

“Ya’ll ain’t shit and there’s nothing ya’ll can say that’ll convince me otherwise,” I address them as I take another swig of water and fan my face.

“And it’s not like this,” He points to the hat on his head, “is just coincidental, this is basically you claiming her anyway.”

“Kacie’s from Chicago.” I rolled my eyes, wondering how we even got on this topic anyway.

“Kacie likes the Cards better than the Cubs, so therefore this?” Barry yanked the fitted hat off of my head as I groaned and snatched it back, “is like a rep either way it goes, it’s all Midwest motherfucker,” Barry thumped me as I shrugged.

“It’s just a hat, shut up.” I wave them off, but the teasing is ruthless.

“That she gave you. The same hat, that she had on when she got on sky-” Barry starts to talk about something I’m definitely not into repeating, and I throw a marker at him and he laughs, hurtling it back right to me.

“Shut the hell up, alright? Okay, so…” I blushed and ran my hands down my face, but I could barely pause, staring at all of the students that flooded the campus, especially the females.

“Man, all these women…” I licked my lips and glanced around the set, “Ion’ need to think about either one of them right now…”

“Let me talk to you.” A hand grips my arm and I cluck my tongue, head shaking and ignoring the childish oooh’s from beyond me.

I sit in the seat in the trailer and glance down at the messy array of paperwork and stills. Tina’s not smiling, so I know she’s about to address me with some bullshit.

“Robyn wants to perform with you in Vegas.”

The longer I stay away from her, the longer I’m out with Robyn, the guiltier I feel for leaving Kacie behind. But, Tina doesn’t want that. She starts to rant about ratings and publicity and my chest gets tight as I slump in the seat, nodding so she doesn’t think that her words are going in through one ear and out of the other.

The thought that really, truly, terrifies me though, happens just after her phone rings and she shows it to me, with the name of Robyn’s publicist on display, someone from Def Jam.

The rest of the conversation seems to push me in a corner, and eventually, I just give in. I can’t fight it anymore. I’m losing, and maybe a part of me is telling myself I’m not fighting hard enough, but honestly, what am I truly fighting for?

I wonder, sometimes, if it wouldn’t be better if I could just stop fighting it all.



5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Kacie deserves a fucking award for dealing with Chris’s bullshit… love is powerful and makes you settle for dumb shit..Keep up the good work i’m hooked

Comment by Lola

i love love love you..you write some great stuff..

Comment by Court.

thank you :)

Comment by KCnvrmnd

Christopher! Christopher! Christopher! What have you just gotten yourself into? All I keep thinking about is Kacie and how she is so down for him. But yet she continues to keep getting the short end of the stick. Now that they’re going to perform together I wonder how Kacies going to be able to handle that.

Comment by CMH

Christopher swear you just dont know what you want huh, Kacie, Robyn so torn, kinda selfish if you ask me. But I dig his semi-honesty with Kacie. I dont think Kacie will be too amused when she learns he’s performing in Vegas with Robyn, And why does Ms. Tina always got to be hating on Kacie, gone somewhere old heffa. Why can’t Kacestopher’s relationship be easy. I guess it’s the Fates. What’s meant to be, will be right??

Comment by Monique J




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